Let's just get this out of the way. Heroes, I hate you. Why do I hate you? Because you apparently think I'm an idiot. Dirt McGirt of the Out Of Focus Carnival(e) promises a new family member by the end of the day, just in time for magic old lady waffles. Who will it be? Believe it or not, it's just Sylar...WITH AMNESIA!!! Wow, I guess it takes a guy with earth powers to shake all the dust off of that chestnut. And yes, that was a reference to the children's choir singing the "Greatest American Hero" theme. It's a song I love, and done on a better show, it would have been a cute aside to the fans. Here, it flops like a brick with wings.
Peter bumps into Emma while saving her from a bus and accidentally steals the World's Worst Power from her, losing his awesome Ray Park speed. I will give credit where credit is due, the music trailing off when he realizes he can't run fast anymore was actually well done. Apparently, powerless Peter gets to blow off work whenever he feels the need to mack on some deaf chick. Angela, on the other hand, couldn't be more obvious about blowing off Peter unless she painted eyes on her eyelids so she could be fully asleep during her scenes with him. Oh, and Hiro shows up at Peter's place and collapses under the weight of Peter's plodding storyline.
Claire and Single White Gretchen continue to lurch through their storyline, ending with the world's most boring girl kiss. Seriously, I think Katy Perry hung herself after that one. Think or hope, one of those two. Anyway, this week's "no really, we're at college, honest!" hijinks involve Claire and SWG rushing Claire's mom's old sorority, which is just a front for Unnamed Invisible Girl to recruit Claire for the Out Of Focus Carnival(e). But of course, they don't just reveal her at the end and let us connect the dots, oh no. They don't even lead us through it by the hand, they stick us on one of those toddler leashes, then slowly walk us through the last month of the Claire storyline. hell, while you're fixing your show, why not have Invisible Girl go back and off Micah's cousin and push Maya off a bridge too. It was all the Invisible Girl! She canceled Pushing Daisies too! Oh, and how the hell does Invisible Girl manage to get herself high enough up in the sorority in order to convince them to let Claire and SWG into the sorority anyway? How much advance notice did they have? HOW HIGH DOES THE CONSPIRACY GO!!! Thanks to Starman for reminding me of that, by the way, I'd forgotten it in all the other hating on this episode I had going on.
Finally, we get to the delicious frosting on this three-layer turd cake of an episode: anything involving Sylar. Amnesiac Sylar gets picked up by ERNIE GODDAMN HUDSON. Whooo!!! Zeddemore bitches!!! True story: I walked behind Ernie Hudson at Gencon LA a few years ago during a fire drill. I didn't ask him to tell me about the Twinkie, and I regret it to this day.
So anyway, Sylar spends most of the episode emoting and not knowing who he is, but then his criminal past (and fingerprints) catch up with him, and Gabriel Gray is going down for murrrrrrderrrrrr. Ernie Hudson prepares to channel his inner Vic Mackey, but then Sylar's powers flicker on and he gets tossed through a glass window. Sylar makes a break for it with a character who I'm not even going to discuss, then gets shot up when his Electrica Mars flares up, heals, then gets taken in by...Dirt McGirt everybody! Yay, Sylar gets waffles! Mmmmm...
How I Met Your Mother finally satisfies my need for more Marshall, as he and Lily go overboard wooing Barney and Robin as a new couple to hang out with. I could listen to Marshall talk about Gouda alllll day, but Rarney don't agree, so they dump Marshall and Lily. However, in true HIMYM fashion, Marshall and Lily find a new couple that love them, and Babin have to look on longingly, to the hilarious sounds of "All By Ourselves". Every break-up cliche, doubled for your pleasure. Ted's storyline is pretty basic, even though it makes up the title ("The Sexless Innkeeper") of the episode. Ted doesn't get laid, then Ted does get laid...although we do get poetry and fun wigs, so it all works out. Good episode, although Ted getting laid does lead to another "what am I doing" moment from Barney. Will it pay off? Who knows. Until then, check out itwasthebestnightever.com for some photo montages.
Rounding us out today are some animation quick hits:
Simpsons: Hey, have you heard about this MMA thing that's been going around? The Simpsons finally has, and decided to make it a Marge episode. Pass.
The Cleveland Show: This was a nice mix between the family sitcom template that this appears to be on the surface, and the darker stuff you tend to expect from McFarlane and the gang. It starts with Cleveland trying to find a friend for Cleveland Jr., with a great extended gag about Cleveland sounding like a pedophile while trying to convince a boy to "play with Cleveland Jr"...fitting, since Mike Henry also is the voice of Herbert on FG. How do you get from there to a bloody shootout at the end of the episode? Just watch it, if not for that, then for Cleveland's hat closet.
Family Guy: I'm beginning to think Seth McFarlane likes the 80's. There has to be a new term invented here, because "parody" and "homage" don't come close to this episode. Chevy Chase and Dan Ackroyd essentially recreate "Spies Like Us" with Stewie and Brian, and Peter forms an improve troupe to keep him out of the way. Forgettable story, but some good jokes, and more playing with the format (Stewie's incoherent cutaway setup and the "Russian cutaway gag"). Oh, and the shoutout to The Cleveland Show was funny too. Didn't want to forget that.
American Dad: Also not the best episode, and usually the Stan/Steve episodes are better than this. Steve is left home along, starts messing around with Stan's Predator Drone, and hilarity ensues. Just didn't really come together as an episode, although Roger's Stan impression and some king-fu fighting near the end salvaged it.
Castle and House (hopefully) tomorrow. Also, good news in that Dollhouse has been picking up some good DVR numbers and so FOX has announced that they'll show all of Season 2. FlashForward has also been picked up for a full season. People do win!